Margaree and Sadie always taught me to wash dishes by adding bleach to the water. We always had a bottle of cheap bleach and a bottle of Clorox in the house. The cheap bleach was used to clean out the trash can, wash dishes etc. The Clorox was for clothes only. Every couple of weeks, my skin would peel. I tried using gloves to wash dishes. It didn’t matter it peeled. I picked and I picked the dead skin off of one hand, until one day there was no more skin left in an area. It took a couple of days before I could use that hand without the pain.
Palmar Plantar Erythrodysesthesia is the medical terminology for hand and foot syndrome. This is a side effect of chemotherapy. Last week Thursday, Sadie had her usually flare up of hand and foot syndrome. It usually comes around on the last few days denoting the end of her chemotherapy cycle. Well the oncologist decided to increase her dosage of chemotherapy. This was her second cycle since ringing the bell ending radiation. This one was rough. Around Thursday of last week, the pain associated with hand and foot syndrome was beginning to be unbearable. She got an emergency appointment on Friday of last week. Her doctor increased her pains meds from 100mg to 300 mg. To combat the hand and foot syndrome, we attempted to keep her hands and feet moisturized. We’ve tried everything from Aquafor, Shea Butter, Coconut Oil, to Vaseline. The doctor recommended Crisco shortening. I went into Food Lion and purchased some.
The chemotherapy has in essence made all of her skin on her hands and feet peel off. The doctors told Sadie, that if she wants to go rob a bank she could right now, because she has no fingerprints. If you look at the surface of her hands and fingernails, they are dark but smooth. She used to polish her nails to cover the change of color of her nails. But she has stopped, out of fear of her fingernails falling off. None have fell off though. I often catch her staring at her hands and feet, looking at how drastically they have changed within a few months. She used to make comments about how bad her hands and feet look, I told her nobody cares about that except for her. I reminded her that she was still able to use her hands and feet and she was still alive. The pain associated with this flare up last week was bad. Sadie made reference to going in the hospital to cope with the pain. She didn’t move out of her bed much. Walking on her feet was a burning, tingling painful sensation that she describes. Her hands had pain also. She couldn’t real touch anything and felt no feelings on her fingernails.
Sadie has been on chemotherapy since around January/February. Capectabine also known as Xeloda is the name of her medication. She takes the chemotherapy pills twice a day. Two pills in the morning and two pills at night. Fourteen days on. Seven days off. She is careful to coat her stomach well to prevent nausea. For the past 6 months, Quaker grits and Libby Corned beef is what she eats for those two weeks in the morning. One can of corned beef will last her 5 days that way I slice and bag it in the snack sandwich bags and freeze them. The corned beef, not the corned beef hash.
She only eats with plastic forks and spoons. The metal silverware, leaves a metallic taste in her mouth. When we go out to restaurants, we have to request plastic utensils. The servers often forget. We usually have to ask two times on the average. The waitress yesterday brought it back instantly, I gave her a good tip yesterday. I usually wait on her until she gets her utensils so we can eat together. At home we use paper plates and cups. Her food, we heat up in the toaster oven, regular oven or on top of the stove. We watch the expiration dates carefully. I learned how to cook a smaller pot now. We may have leftovers for a day at the most.
Yesterday after leaving the doctor, Sadie wanted to go out to eat. As tired as I was, we went to Outback Steakhouse. Even with the noticeable limp from the pain and the fact that she greased her hands 3 times from doctor’s office to Outback, she was determined to go out. I dropped her and Kailee off in front of the restaurant. At the table she said, she wanted to feel better so that we can go out to eat more like we used to before she got sick. Prior to her getting sick, we would eat out at this particular buffet every month. Sadie, Dollie and Kailee. We would sometimes invite other people with us, but no too often. That’s our place. While at the table at Outback, she asked me what I was getting, I told her I wanted steak. I showed her a special menu. She ordered steak, baked potato and crab legs. As the waitress was taking our orders, I asked questions about the preparation of the food and its ingredients just to make sure, because it ain’t nothing but a thing for me to go home and whip her up a meal. I got a steak, salad and broccoli. My salad came. She was looking at it hard. I shared some with her. She kept on saying, “I ain wan eat all your food. I said, “Ma, get some more!” And that she did. Prior to cancer we would eat off of each others plate and drink behind each other like it was nothing. It was a point during this journey, that she didn’t want us to eat or drink after her. I squashed that. I told her that she didn’t have Ebola and to stop that. I always share something with her, real fast I’ll say “Ma, taste this!” I push it off to her so fast, that she can’t say no.
When her food came, it was too painful for her to scrap the walls of her baked potato, cut her steak or crack her crabs legs. I immediately took her plate, mixed up her baked potato, cut up her steak and cracked her crab legs. She said, “I’m sorry you have to do this for me. If I had known this, I wouldn’t have ordered it.” I told her to stop that. It was at the moment, that I remembered an event that happened over thirty five years ago. I remember Sadie and I going to eat at the Trawler restaurant in Mt. Pleasant. It’s no longer opened. I remember having my ribbon in my hair, and my romper that every little girl wears that ties on the shoulders. Mama had an afro. I remember the distinct roundness to it. I was sitting next to mama without a care in the world. I felt so safe and happy. Mom had just cut my food up for me and I was eating. Then all of a sudden, the waitress spilled an entire tray of drinks on my mom and I. I even remembered how Sadie acted. Those words are unfit for a Sadiesm.
It was at that very moment, Sadie acted like an alley cat at that restaurant, that as long as she had life in her body she would protect me. There is no amount of money in the world that I can ever have that could repay her for all that she has done for me. It was puzzling why my mama was diagnosed with stage 2 stomach and stage 3 gallbladder cancer in December 2016. But then its unfair to say that when many people have lost their a love one to cancer. I won’t lie to you. I asked God why? I never got sound answer. But I know that, he will never put more on us that we can bear. And if I had to be in battle, I would definitely want Sadie to be one of my soldiers. The cancer may have wounded her, but we are defeating this. We have to remember, there are many battles that take place for a brief moment and the there are some that last years. Regardless of the length of time, we seek victory. Victory is what I am claiming for her complete healing. While we are battling cancer, I just want mama to feel safe and happy like she made me feel that day at the Trawler restaurant. I want her to know that as long as I have life in this body, I will protect her. I am thankful for many of you that reached out to us during this time. I pray that you will be blessed as you have blessed us.
